Introduction

       You are about to read philosophy. My philosophy. Now this will not be a conventional philosophy reading. In fact, quite the contrary. This is simply an introduction to the daily thoughts of Orange Mist, me. I don’t hold these thoughts to be all inclusive nor do I think they are necessarily right. These are my thoughts on life, society, and the way we think. Often I will see something, or something will happen to me, or I will think of something, or I will meet someone who inspires these thoughts. What you are about to read is meant to provoke thoughts. It is up to you to build upon them. Perhaps they have some truth, perhaps they are simply the ramblings of someone who just wants to write what he thinks. I think it should be obvious to  the reader so far that I do not hold myself to be right. I understand I am ignorant in many matters – the most prominent being relationships and love: I realize I have no authority to comment on such matters because I have never been in love. I may try to ponder notions based on love, but I understand that  I may, and probably am, very wrong. Perhaps there are no all-inclusive philosophies. Perhaps there is no such thing as universal laws. Maybe life is just mystical and completely random. Nevertheless, it is obvious that patterns do exist in this universe. Therefore, I will try to explore such patterns as based on today’s society because everything I think and feel is based, in one way or another on what society has showed me.   I will attempt to rise above society, but I truly have doubts if it is possible.

Society

       I do often feel like I’m above society. I feel that there is so much society and manner nonsense that is a complete waste of time. I feel that people should be natural and not waste time with societal prohibitions. Why repress your real feelings. Now I am not calling for a fight every time someone is mad, but at least verbally, I feel that people should express their feelings openly. I stand adamantly on this issue. I see, every day, people around me being fake – I know that that is not what they are like; they are simply acting differently to impress or feel like they fit in with the group. I especially see this among guys when around girls. It is a waste of time and sets a possible relationship back in time because it doesn’t express the person’s true self. Why can’t we all just openly express our innermost thoughts. I feel it is healthy. I am not a social anarchist, I believe in society, I just think superficial social restrictions should be lifted. I don’t however see this happening in the near future. Therefore I believe people should rise above the limitations of society and be real. In conclusion on the issue, I think we should just be, if something happens – let it – accept it – accept your feelings and feel free to express them. Every day I feel constrained by society and must repress many of my thoughts. They aren’t harmful and in fact would probably be taken extremely well. But because of societies restrictions, I feel it would be completely inappropriate to relay my thoughts. I am at the hands of society. Why should I be ruled by society? I try to refrain as best I can from being fake and putting up a front. I can only do so much however. Everyone puts up another self for each person they are around. People are different around their parents than when they are with friends. It’s natural. Or is it? Is this a society thing? Are there certain ways to act around parents? It’s society. Society threatens with embarrassment or even worse, social shunning. If one “inappropriate” thought is divulged, obviously social shunning will not occur to the person, but a feeling of not fitting in will occur. This is many’s worst nightmare. More people are afraid of speaking in front of a crowd than dying. How can this be? It is because of society. Everyone wants to feel like they fit in and embarrassment in front of a group is a great way to not fit in anymore. Once again I am at the mercy of society. I am not afraid of dying – I am afraid however of dying alone. If I am with loved ones, or know someone is there for me, I have very little fear of dying. I don’t think most feel this way, but I do.

Power

       Getting back to how unimportant I see myself as, or, maybe the opposite… Often I feel powerful and important. There have only been a few times in my life that I felt the grasp of true, or maybe not so true, but still real, power. I never understood why people would and have for millennia killed for power. Why I thought. Until I felt power, immense power the other day. It was over the stupidest thing, but nevertheless, I felt it. Power. It is completely egotistical and self-centered – I know, but I am simply writing about how I felt. To reveal the details of the incident would probably reveal my actual identity. I am not at a point in my life yet, however, that I can be so open. I have high self esteem, but for some reason I hold in my feelings. I am confident in my feelings yet I am scared that they will be rejected. To reveal how I think to the world, for everyone to know my innermost thoughts is too much for me. I hope the day will come that I will feel free to disclose my identity. Until then, you will be able to get to know me, on the most personal of levels, without actually knowing me. Getting back to the issue of power. On that day, I felt for but a moment that everyone at school would want to help me with a certain task I was to perform. As fallacious as the thought was, and as self-centered it was, I believed it for that moment. I felt absolute power and it was one of the greatest feelings I had felt in my entire life. Better than everything, and I mean everything, other than my “moments” which I will describe in a later post. I am not sure why I felt this great feeling derived from power. I always thought the appeal of power came from material benefits of power, but if this great feeling truly was brought about from power, then I understand the craving of power. It was but a fleeting moment but still the same, I felt it. I also felt something else. This is the only possible other explanation I can imagine the feeling came from. The thought that a very beautiful, and extremely nice, sweet, and smart girl that I know would want to help with the task. The feeling I had could have been due to the thought that she would want to help me with this task. As juvenile as my rational mind makes it sound, that was how I felt for that moment into my unconscious. Since I have felt power before, and it felt nothing like that moment, I am led to believe that sustained power has the effect of the moment I had spread across an expanse of time. Nevertheless, the moment I had made me feel something I had never felt before.

"Moments"

       Now to my “moments”. I don’t know why they happen, sometimes they occur when I am immersed in beauty, sometimes it’s triggered by a smell, or a sound, a feel, something I read, a thought – it's usually, if not always, an environmental trigger. I am usually already in at least a decent mood. And suddenly, for less than a second, I feel immense joy. They are the happiest moments, or should I say seconds, of my life. I feel like I am living another life – a life on another level – another planet – another universe. I can’t explain the feeling other than saying it is the greatest feeling one could imagine. If I could only harness the moment and live in it! I have never seized the moment however. After these moments I wonder what other people's lives are like. I can see people, interact and talk to them everyday and it seems like they live a life like mine. Of course specifics are different, but the basic feeling of life is the same. That’s how it seems. But these moments, and some other evidence that I will get to in a moment, lead me to believe that some people are living a better life than I. I don’t mean materially or socially: I mean they feel, their inner soul, is happier. I have tried so hard to capture my “moments” but always it has been unsuccessful. But I am determined and I think it can be done. I can’t talk to someone and ask what life is like to them because no one can explain what their life feels like. Some people are depressed. Some so much so that they want to end their lives. I would like to feel such depression just to see if life could feel differently. I have been depressed, never like I’d like to end my life, but depressed nonetheless. It was not a different life feeling, just a phase. At least to me, so far, depression is just a phase, not a state, not a feeling of life. But then again, I’ve never been to the point where I’d like to end my life. And if someone can get there, then perhaps someone can live their entire lives like I feel in my “moments”. I am happy with my life, my family, friends, school, etc. but these moments lead me to think that I can be even happier. I don’t think I will ever find out if someone is living in these moments. That is a mission of mine however, to live in the moments. The only problem with this is that I will not appreciate the feeling after a while and I will take it for granted. I guess the fleeting moments are best after all. If you have never experienced such moments, then you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. I don’t know if other people have them. But if you ever have had such moments, then you will know exactly what I am talking about.