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"Nothingness"
The
other day I was walking home from school when I saw the most
incredible cloud formation I had ever seen in my life. The large
white puffy clouds towered and covered the sky while streaking beams
of light shone through. I felt the immense beauty about me yet I
felt nothing positive. I realized the absolute grandeur and
tranquility of the scene but at the same time it intensified my own
pain. That’s what my life is like: pain. 17 hours a day, 7 days a
week, 52 weeks a year, every year of my life. The only escape I get
is sleep. That seems to be all I look forward to. Since I was 12,
sleep was my only desire. Anything to get away from my life. I
couldn’t even overeat like other normal people when they are
depressed because of my fucken parents who fed me with left over
money after buying crank from my grandmother’s husband. As I
walked home that day I realized the state of my life. I have been
fooling myself, playing fucking mind games, probably to further my
own existence. Don’t worry, things will get better. Just wait. I
used to set goals. Oh, if I get on the football team I will make
some friends. It never happened. Then the goals stopped. I
couldn’t even think of desires to hope for. I just said to myself,
things will change, you just wait. For what? WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE
TO KEEP WAITING. What’s the point of life? I learned that early
on: pleasure. What pleasure do I have in my life? None. I don’t
have any hopes. There isn’t a point, they never come true. I’ve
never even had a girlfriend – nobody has ever liked me in my
entire existence. Not even my parents. No girlfriend equals no sex.
I don’t even enjoy jacking off anymore. It’s just a bunch of
rubbing and then pop. Too much work.
Everyone
has his or her own delusions: their own scapegoats that keep them
sane. Personally I don’t have one. Some have found Christ or some
other religious bullshit, some have high aspirations, and many have
friends, relatives, or mates. Is there something about me? Am I as
fucked up as it everyone sees me? Its not like I haven’t tried to
make friends or get a date. I try to be friendly, find something to
talk about. I’ve asked girls out but none ever accepts. They
always make up some bullshit about why they can’t go out with me.
Can’t they at least have the decency to tell me the truth and not
lie to my face? I guess not.
Let
me get to the point. Or should I say lack thereof. If the point of
life is to have a good time, and there is no happiness in the
future, then what’s the point. Do I want to deal with this crap
for another 10 years? I don’t. Why can’t I capture the only
thing I have ever looked forward to for 5 years: sleep. Only this
time let it be eternal. Is there something horribly wrong with
nothing. Not nothing as in an empty cup nothing. A nothing beyond
any human’s comprehension. Just pure void: not black, not white,
not joy not depression. Nothingness. What is wrong with suicide?
When someone isn’t enjoying a game, he or she quits. Life should
be like that. I can only think of one string: love. If someone loves
you and you take your own life, that would have adverse effects on
his or her life. This would be selfish. Well, if I had someone who
loved me, hell, someone who even likes me. If I could just get even
a friendly smile then maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. But I do
feel this way. And who is it going to effect if I leave this world.
Is anyone going to give a rats ass if some fucked up drugy puts a
couple bullets through his brain? Why is today’s society so
adamant in its stand against suicide? Many cultures have, and still
do glamorize or at least not condemn suicide. Are some people too
scared of death to contemplate the notion? Has church dogma changed
the tide of society’s viewpoint on suicide? Death is not a bad
thing. It’s just an end to a single life out of six billion.
Isn’t the very essence humanity the ability to choose? To choose
one’s path. I choose to end my path now. Why drag it on. An end is
inevitable. Let me quit before I plummet further. I have come to the
point in my life that nothing else matters to me anymore. The pain
is so constant that it blends in to create my life. Small joys just
bring about this pain. Nothing matters to me. I don’t care about
life and I don’t care about death. I don’t want either. I want
nothing. Is that too much to ask for? Nothing?
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