"The Unconfirmed Report" contains stories that have a definite base, but a shaky truth behind them. Please take them as comedy; don't freak out and believe they are 100 percent true! 

Locker Room Fungi

On September 22, 2003, a group of concerned parents hired a private fungal research lab to conduct an investigation into the source of the strange yellow spots that inflict so many PE uniforms at the school. Some students reportedly have the yellow spots on their backs as well. Up until Monday, September 25^th, most parents dismissed the spots as mud or bleach spots. What they did not notice however is that the spots were growing gradually larger. 

At 6 PM on the 22^nd, a team of researchers entered the boy’s PE locker room. The researchers, sealed in airtight biohazard suits for their own safety, took samples from the interior of ten selected lockers, the cement floor from two locations, and from the air ventilation shaft. After 24 hours of vigorous testing, culturing, and research, the results were in. Every location tested had traces of a never before seen strain of the lethal fusarium oxysporum. Although the original strain of the fungi is lethal to most plant life and poses a direct threat to humans, the strain found in the PE locker rooms seems to have mutated into a non-lethal spore producing fungi. Even more surprising is the amount found. The cultured fungi from the cement floor turned out to be minimal, as did two of the ten selected lockers. The other eight lockers however, contained massive amounts of the fusarium oxysporum spores. The spores are not visible to the human eye. Once they attach to a favorable material to live on, the fungus exits its spore phase and starts to grow. These manifestations show up as yellow spots. Sweat and warmth, provided by the wearer of the PE uniform, provide favorable living conditions for the virus. According to Junior Danko Krajisnik, “I always knew that the yellow spots were the result of fungal invasions, but nobody ever believed me!” 

The big question is how did this fungus enter the PE locker room. The research lab concluded (due to the colossal amounts of spores found in the ventilation system) that the fungus is spread to all of the lockers through the ventilation system in the locker room. Due to the unhealthy levels of spores found in the Boy’s locker room, the Health Department has been contacted and they are making arrangements to conduct their own tests. 

Myra Goldstein, mother of Alex Goldstein, was one of the concerned parents that funded the research effort to discover the source of the yellow spots. “I don’t want my son to be forced to dress in a fungi-rampant locker room where he is risking his life to dress for a PE class which then in turn gets to enjoy the sweet smell of toxic and carcinogenic gasses given off by the Oil Well. I just don’t want it and neither does he! That school is deadly! First it’s the Oil Well, now fungi, what is next?” said Mrs. Goldstein after an interview last Wednesday. 

- Zack Anderson 

New Science Building Projected to be Completed by 2087

      A small Santa Monica, CA architectural firm named Monte Archi has been drafting plans for a new science building at Beverly Hills High School. After 25 years on the job, Monti Archi claims that they have the final plans finished and they project the new science building will be completed by 2087. They say that their rapid yet thorough work on the new science building will enable construction crews to construct the building at a rapid pace. Science teacher Dave Knowlton is jubilant about Monte Archi’s claims. “I remember when I first came to this school 35 years ago. There was talk about a new science building being constructed and I was ecstatic. I’m just so grateful that my great great-grandchildren will be able to experience the new building.”

       Indeed the new building is a necessary addition to Beverly Hills High School. Remnants of the pre- environmentalist movement clutter the rooms with large chambers which pump toxic fumes to the English department just downwind from the science building. Even more disturbing are the large cracks in the walls of the science building. Over the years the wall support structures have been eaten away by mold, weather, time, and termites. Unable to be seen by the naked eye are large cracks that expanse across the hallway. School officials have strategically covered such cracks with paint and drywall to make the building look safe. Science teacher Mr. Chris Busheé however, is concerned with the new florescent fixtures installed throughout the department. He finds it odd that construction workers would mount heavy fixtures and steel beams to the cardboard roof panels.

       Even more good news came out when Rubenstein Contracting, hired to construct and install the air conditioning system for the high school, offered to build the new building for only 94.6 million dollars. This comes as a relief to the district, for they were originally planning on hiring another contracting company to complete the project for 153 million dollars. According to company spokesperson John Rubenstein, Rubenstein Contracting has set the price so low because they feel bad that they were unable to complete the air conditioning system at the school. Many will recall the 22 million dollar contract with Rubenstein Contracting to build the air conditioning system for the school that they never followed through with, but took the money nevertheless. Although some are skeptical as to whether they will cheat the district again, school officials believe Rubenstein Contracting is legitimate in their offer.

      This new science building will, naturally, only be a temporary solution to the problem. Experts say the 94.6 million dollar project will last for five good years before a new one will need to be made in 2092. To pay for the expensive science building, the district has planned to layoff 125 percent of the district personnel. This is the first time in district history that more layoffs will be made than there are employees. To keep the school running smoothly however, non-credentialed teachers will be hired so that the district can start them out on a minimum paycheck. According to district officials, the new science building will be a truly remarkable accomplishment.

- Jim Moore