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Beverly
Considers Adopting Nation's Most Effective Anti-Drug Campaign
The
nation is talking about the newest anti-drug marketing campaign.
Step aside DARE, Swisher Sanitation has revolutionized the minds
of millions of drug users across the country. After 35 years of
testing and research, a team consisting of over 120 doctors,
psychologists, police officers, and urinal sanitation experts has
launched a full force strike at the growing numbers of illegal drug
users. Using the most elaborate algorithm ever devised in the
history of mankind, researchers were able to actually simulate the
drug user’s thoughts and intuitions. By applying the algorithm,
researchers concluded that a strategically placed logo of “Say no
to drugs” would leave an impact of epic proportions on the
current or potential drug user. One might say, “Isn’t that a
simple catch phrase?” The answer: yes, but that’s the genius
behind it. According to psychologist Miriam Wesley the average male
thinks of thoughts while urinating into a urinal that are never
thought of outside the sanctuary of the large white structure that
hole-heartedly accepts one’s precious bodily fluids. As the fluid
flows out of the urethra, the critical prefrontal lobe of the brain
is stimulated. If this stimulation occurs at the same time the male
reads the logo in the urinal, the logo is branded into the right
cortex.
Considering the drug situation at Beverly, the district is
considering purchasing the urinal odor pads for all urinals in the
district. District officials who are for the purchase further their
arguments that the pads will help increase literacy among the drug
using population. Chronic drug users may recognize the word
“drugs” but not be able to read the rest. Being a chronic
addict, the student will be enticed to see what the urinal has to
say about drugs. This will force the student to learn how to read
and pronounce the words “Say no to.” This may very well be a
turning point in the education of the underachieving drug addict.
Once able to actually pronounce the entire phrase, the student,
according to Miriam Wesley, may enter into a self-reflective
meditative dissociative semi-conscious tardive state of dyskinesia.
In layman’s terms, the student will temporarily have acute
undifferentiated pervasive postpartum melancholic dementia.
What
makes the pads so useful at effectively deterring men off drugs is
the utter combination of the senses. Between the utter wit and
thought behind the phrase “Say no to drugs,” to the stinging
stench of urine, to the bladder’s sudden expellation of wasteful
bodily fluids, the human mind takes the entire experience and it
becomes an ecstasy of the senses, a complete arousal of the mind,
and a successful ploy to keep people off of illegal drugs.
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