This is the feature section of Beverly Underground Newspaper. Here you will find miscellaneous articles from both staff writers and readers such as yourself. 

To see a previous issue of this column, please go to the "Archives" button above.

33 Ways to Create Anarchy at School

1. Call in a bomb threat at school and place a phony bomb to trick bomb squad dogs.
2. Take over the PA system and hook it up to a phone sex hotline.
3. Stare at the teacher until he/she gets freaked out.
4. With some friends tear TONS of paper into scraps and place tape on it and place it in a bucket. Throw it at student's heads at the top of the stairway.
5. Paint sides of desks so people mess up their clothes when they lean on their desks.
6. Place embarrassing stickers all over lockers (especially those of your enemies).
7. Place a citizen's arrest on a teacher you get in an argument with. Hold a trial.
8. Add fake students to the attendance sheets.
9. Shut down power to the school in the middle of the day. 
10. Call a teacher in the middle of class pretending to be an angry parent.
11. Sell counterfeit customized school ID's.
12. Pretend to sell candy/other shit for the school but take the money yourself.
13. Write things on the inside of the projector glass.
14. Organize a walkout.
15. Salt soil so that no plants can grow at the school.
16. Organize a GDL - a Gradual Dismantlization League of people that will walk around with screwdrivers and whenever they see a screw, they will unscrew it. Eventually, the entire school will fall apart!
17. Change the sprinkler system to go off at lunch...too bad we don't have a permanent sprinkler system.
18. Counterfeit hall passes and teacher signatures.
19. Replace the American flag on the flag pole with that of your own.
20. Remove one of the cardboard roof panels and put a dead fish in.
21.Place rotten/half eaten apple on teacher's desk.
22. Place a hydrogen sulfide super-stink bomb (or several) in the ventilation system.
23. Smudge locks on lockers with oil/some type of goo. 
24."Post it" a dumb phrase all over the school.
25. Switch signs on principle/teachers doors with bathroom signs.
26. Splice in your own footage onto school videos (you just need to go to the KBEV room and switch a few tapes).
27. Set up very loud alarm clocks all over the school.
28. Bug phones and computers and make conversations/emails public.
29.Food fight!
30. Throw water balloons at people from the roof. 
31. At a game put up huge banners/flyers with the other team's name.
32. Steel one of the maintenance carts, or better yet, security's golf cart and go for a joyride.
33. Hide a boom box playing some Mexican radio station and set the volume very, very low. Then hide the radio somewhere in a teacher's classroom. The teacher will hear the sound but it will be too low to find the source. This can drive a teacher insane for months.

Please Note: Readers are seriously encouraged to perform these activities

- LSD

Interesting Site Statistics

Since the site's birth in early October, we have received hundreds of links through search engines, thousands of visitors from around the world, and various story submissions. Some such statistics have been deemed interesting enough to include in this section.

Search Queries

These are the phrases people have typed into google/yahoo/aol search/etc. and linked to the site:

"broadcasting history of rabbit or remote control"

I'm not even going to try to understand what that is supposed to mean!

"high school gossip and immaturity"

Gossip? No way! We report the facts!

"quotable quotes on mushroom hunting"

Because who doesn't need quotable quotes on mushroom hunting. I mean, quotes will not do - they must be quotable quotes!

"teachers raping student stories"

TEACHERS ARE RAPING THE STUDENT STORIES?!?!?

"precious bodily fluid"

What in the world was this punk looking for?

"nobody has ever liked me"

Me neither, but this site probably wont help your esteem issues.

"philosophy of an orange"

For everyone knows the intellect of your average Florida orange is monumental. Philosophy comes naturally for the orange.

"gross beverly hills high school"

Pardon me.

And now....the Search Query First Place Winner - A Member of the Google Hall of Fame:

"naked in high school lockers rooms"

BeverlyUnderground.com was the first result in google at the time under that query. Sorry buddy (whoever it is that typed it in) but I think the page you were linked to (the Unconfirmed Report from Issue 1) doesn't cover that particular fetish very well. Better luck next time.

Visitors

Out of the thousands of viewers of this site, a couple visitors caught my attention. 

6 different computers at:

norfolk.nmci.navy.mil

What is this might you ask? It's the Norfolk, Virginia Navy Marine Corps Intranet. Perhaps they didn't like the 9/11 Conspiracy talk.

www.bop.gov

That is the Federal Bureau of Prisons. Interesting...

wcs1-cbus.nipr.mil & wcs2-cbus.nipr.mil

A secure Department of Defense network designed for transferring sensitive materials between internal computers. The location is unknown. Now I know they didn't like the 9/11 Conspiracy theory or the "Fuck the Constitution" editorial very much.

2 different computers at:

lejeune.usmc.mil

This is the US Marine Camp Lejeune in North Carolina.

Story Submissions

      I find some of the story submissions so odd. I mean, there is a lot of material that applies to this site and will get printed, but some stories are just too much.

      We received one story from a guy in Australia talking about how his grandmother fell off of a horse while playing croquet and broke her thigh. She had to be rushed to a hospital...and it goes on, and on, and on for five pages about his grandmother's perils after having fallen off of a horse during a game of croquet. Does he seriously believe that that is the kind of material we are looking for???? I don't think ANYONE in this world cares about some Australian guy's grandmother's fall. 

      As if that wasn't bad enough, then we received a story which went on and on about this Argentinean mother's cooking. By the 11th page I thought I was reading a cookbook with personal commentary. Of course, it would have taken a huge dose of caffeine (to keep me awake) and a safety deposit box filled to the brink with gold bullion to read all 11 pages - ah, the joys of being able to skip long and boring chunks.  Now although the cooking situation in my household could improve, reading about how the Cossacks (for the guy moved to Russia) confiscated their "turkey with such harmonized flavors of Yugoslavia" isn't exactly something that keeps me flipping the pages (that is, if the document was in a tangible medium). By the 19th page he was talking about what movies he rented and saw with his brother on some Friday night. I said to myself - he can't seriously think anyone would be interested in this. We might as well publish stories about the perils of brushing and flossing (for that in its self can be an ordeal) our teeth. Actually, I think that would be more interesting.

      Now this site survives by you, the readers' submissions, so please don't hesitate to send something in. We accept all kinds of stories, but if it is so remote from the focus of the site, it's not going to go up.

      By the way, we didn't receive a single piece of hate mail this month, compared to the five letters we got last month. Too bad, it's fun to read.

"Our World"

      "Beverly Hills High School, what a dream, what an honor, what great education, what sophisticated people, what a life they have. They're rich and snobby, I bet. Oh, and they must all have like limos or something crazy like that!" Yeah, for sure. Most of the people at this school, I have to say, are snobby and think they're the world. That is what I honestly hate about this school: too many snobs. Or maybe its just that I'm the one with the stick up my ass. Regardless, there still are some people at the school that aren't snobs. 

      All around the world there are people who are snobs and who think they are the world. Too many people who don't have a heart, who don't care about anyone. Our society was, and still is crappy. There are all these cases of abuse, neglect, rape, molestation, etc. What the heck is wrong with this world? I know people get hurt emotionally, but that can be normal (i.e. in relationships there is always emotional hurting involved). I just don't understand this world. Why is it so tormenting? Why are people killing themselves? Why are they hurting so bad? Why don't people notice things like that? Am I the only one who wishes for peace? I doubt it.

      In the "old" days there was much more violence because their laws weren't enforced like laws are now. But even today, we still have violence. I suppose there is always going to be violence because there will always be sick people with disturbed minds: people who enjoy violence. Maybe it's because they were violently abused or hurt and bringing on violence to others is their revenge. 

      And what about our prejudiced environment? What about the people whom are gay? Can they walk in public, hold hands and kiss just like the other people? Yes, sure they can... but I bet you people will look and either say, "ugh," or something similar. Or maybe they won't say anything, but are thinking it. But when a "regular" couple strolls by holding hands and is kissing, it's not a big deal. Why are we all so damn prejudice? Why can't we just accept that people are different? Nobody is the same. There's nothing wrong about being gay, bi-sexual or straight. You might say it's a sin, but that's only because God did not know of same sex desires. If God were to dictate the bible all over again, I bet you he would not have said same-sex relationships are sins. 

      There's too many things in this world that are fucked up. It would take too many years to fix them. I suppose I'm wishing for some sort of utopian world and that's simply and unreal desire. I'm unreal. This was not to anger anyone, just to speak my mind and to make some people view things in my perspective. I'm no good writer, but that's okay...as I said I only wanted to speak my mind.

- Anonymous

Notable Quotes

Please Email Us if you have any funny or thought provoking original quotes. Be sure to include the quote and the name of the person who said it.