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The
Murderous Toilet
Some might remember the incident that occurred in the math department two years ago when the second floor toilet collapsed into the first floor. The school could not cover
up the actual incident, but they did manage to hush the sole survivor of the collapse. Today she is in hiding to avoid the district’s wrath for they would give anything to keep her quite. In an exclusive
interview with the survivor, we were able to compile the facts and build a solid picture of just what did in fact happen to her on that fateful mid-February day.
It was a cloudy day, and rather chilly compared to the usual southern California climate. Sophomore Juliana Timsit was sitting in her 7th period math class when sudden cramps attacked her lower abdomen. She knew the fried fish and yellowish-green tartar sauce from the cafeteria had finally kicked in. She asked to be excused from class and immediately ran to her car to get her cell phone out so she could play snake 2.0 while on the toilet. After acquiring her phone, she ran back into the math hallway to the girls bathroom. After wiping the toilet seat clean with toilet paper, and then laying out the single ply toilet paper around the rim of the seat since there were no seat covers left, she sat down.
“Ahhhhhhh,” she said, feeling much relieved. Just then, Juliana heard a loud explosion that sounded like a water main bursting below her. Within seconds, a yellowish-brown fluid was spreading across the floor. Before she could think twice, she heard an even louder crack sound, and suddenly the floor gave way and the toilet below her fell through the ground.
(above
is an actual photo taken by school officials in case the incident
went to court)
She immediately grabbed hold of the toilet paper dispenser, but do to the fact that the dispenser was covered with a chunky liquid, her grasp for dear life was quickly slackening. She looked down and could see the partially collapsed floor and the fallen toilet below her. Her diarrhea had spread all over the bottom floor on impact and a broken light bulb provided a spark to ignite the potent mixture of yellowish-green tartar sauce, fish sticks, and methane. There she hung, just feet above the now raging fire and the scorched toilet that just moments ago she had sat on. Then the toilet paper dispenser started to give way as each bolt fired out from the stall’s wall. Juliana was faced with two choices: a) to let fate take its toll and to fall to her death amid the flaming toilet below, or to b) make a daring leap to the still intact portion of the floor
eight feet away from her. Even if she made it and was able to jump the
eight feet, the chances that she would be able to grasp the wet and slimy floor were grim. She knew what she had to do, however, she had to try, she had to give it a chance and laugh at fate in its face. She decided to jump. That is the last fragment of memory she has – her successful jump to safety and then a large boom sound. That’s it. Then blackness. Reports tell us that the section of floor that she jumped to gave way and she plummeted down with the rest of the floor but avoided the fire below. The next thing she remembers is waking up in a tent deep in the
Tibetan Himalayas. Spiritual healers from a nomadic Tibetan tribe were placing damp rags on her forehead. They said she had survived the impossible, or at least that’s what she thought, “Yboogi Treemanabanachi” meant.
Today Juliana can be found trekking the Himalayas teaching the indigenous
population about toilet safety. Hopefully her humanitarian efforts
will lead to an increased awareness of the dangers of falling through
the floor while taking a bowel movement.
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