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The
Wicked Witch of Beverly
Profile
for: Mary Warren
(of
course we wouldn't be referring to some other teacher!)
Dorothy,
from the Wizard of Oz of course, vanquished the Evil Witch of the
West, but the Evil Witch of Beverly Hills High School has yet to be
disposed of; her name: Mary
Warren. Teaching and coaching a multitude of subjects to expand her
evil and gather souls for her wicked experiments, Warren sometimes
turns students into mice to show off her unlimited power. Many
theorists believe that this witch obtains power by eating little
kids, while others argue that she feeds on fear. A player under Warren,
who wishes to remain anonymous, said, "Warren bewitches us
before we play. We might burn in hell and be tormented by Coach Warren,
but heck, we win a lot of games!" Warren's youth remains a
mystery, but it is known that she was a student at Beverly and had
her first exposure to witchcraft during an unfortunate AP Biology
class with Dave Knowltin,
where he burned out Warren's eye, leaving her later to formulate a
new way to see. While
attending college,
Warren delved into the art of witchcraft and created a magic eye. It
is not known how Warren,
with her witchlike stare, was able to get a job at Beverly, but
sources say she brewed a potion and slipped it into Principal
Bushman's coffee, giving her utter and complete control of the now
retired principal. As a teacher, Warren manipulates her students and
leaves them in a trancelike state. Some say it results from her
boring teaching method, while others argue it’s her magical eye
performing witchcraft. Warren also appears to favor girls, believing
them to be the perfect embodiment of evil. "She gave every boy
in her classes an ‘N’ on their report card and then bombarded
them with videos on why males are not needed for the survival of the
human race," exclaimed a bewildered male AP student. The threat
of Warren has become so great that a resistance movement, K.E.W.L,
has surfaced. Of course, the meaning of this acronym can never be
revealed, as its members are very reclusive and never talk to any
individual who may be under Warren's
magic. Hopefully this league will find its Dorothy to rid our world
of the wicked Witch of the Beverly Hills High School.
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