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Pigeons Try To Take
Over Beverly
Unseen to many, a threat more
volatile than the benzene spewing out of the oil well is plaguing Beverly Hills High School. It is a threat so imminent that it could
succeed any day now. It is a threat so cunning that every student can feel the subversive elements of it, yet never fathom the outcome. The threat: the pigeons.
Nowhere is safe from the pigeons. You might think the hallways would provide safe refuge from the homely beasts, but you would be mistaken. Not even the classrooms and the very place we eat in, the cafeteria, is immune. The pigeons are everywhere and nobody is doing anything about them. According to a Beverly student who wishes to remain anonymous due her fear that the pigeons might retaliate against her, the pigeons are hated, but not seen as a threat.
Herein lies the problem - the lack of fear. Beverly Underground decided to find the motives of these festering pigeons. Just why would they try to invade
our school and wretch the beauty of the campus from those whom it belongs to: the
students?
What we found was shocking.
The pigeons are not on campus to eat or prance around, quite the
contrary, they are trying to take control of the school. One by one, they are killing administrators at
Beverly. As outlandish as that may sound, our reporters found that
this is in fact true, and not only that, but the administration is
trying to keep the truth from the students. Our reporters found one
such administrator that died at the hands of the pigeons: Mr. Rick
Muniz. Many might remember that he "retired" last year
from the Beverly administration, but a photograph obtained
exclusively for Beverly Underground shows that this is not the case.
Mr. Muniz was pecked to death by the invading pigeons.
Although
it might seem like a Hitchcock film, the pigeons at Beverly truly
are sinister. Cognitive tests that we performed show that the
pigeons' brain waves act much like those of a sociopath serial killer.
The tests also showed that what the pigeons wanted was to rule the
school. After finding a stack of twigs on the roof of one of the bungalows,
our behavioral scientists concluded that the arrangement meant the
pigeons were planning on destroying the administrative
infrastructure of the school. Will Beverly and its administrators
survive, or will there be more pigeon-killings? Only time can tell.
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