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Highlights
is Great, Says Highlights
During a press conference last week, Beverly Hills High School's
notorious official newspaper, Highlights, told reporters that
it was, "the greatest paper the world has ever had the privilege
of seeing." Although reports tell us 98% of the school
disagrees with this statement (in fact, the two percent anomaly was
probably because those people write for Highlights), Highlights
is nevertheless adamant in backing the assertion.
During
the conference, one daring reporter, with an issue of Highlights in
hand, stood up cheering. Although the crowd's reaction was mixed in
response to Highlight's statement, this reporter seemed especially
enthusiastic. In an exclusive interview with Beverly Underground,
the reporter told us why he loves the paper so much. He
said, "it is reinventing the art of good journalism. Finally
newspapers are catching on to the time-tested tradition of form
equals content derived from the movie industry." When pressed further
as to why he had these feelings, he showed us the issue of
Highlights in his hand, which featured a story about how many students
are failing grammar tests. The article contained numerous grammatical
mistakes. "Brilliant," he proclaimed. Highlights,
however, was unaware of such grammatical mistakes.
The conference was originally to be held in response to a press release
distributed by Highlights that spoke of an "eminent
terrorist threat to national security that would result in the loss
of life of millions". All of the major news organizations moved
on the issue. As the
conference began, however, Highlights said that the press release
was actually intended to solicit enough publicity to outdo
Beverly Underground. Infuriated reporters, thinking they were
on the verge of the story of a lifetime, were greatly disappointed and
began cursing the paper. At that moment, the paper announced
that despite the bad news, Highlights is great, and that the reporters
would have the once in a lifetime chance to see the daily operation
of the publication. They went on to demonstrate how they produce the paper,
beginning with the reporter's original idea, all the way until it
reaches its 17 loyal readers.
During the conference, Highlights sparked controversy when it
announced they would hence forth accept ads from personal
escort services and other shady business operations. Many recall
when Highlights turned to the students, asking them to buy personal
space in the
paper, since inadequate profits were being made from standard local
business ads. Since the students of Beverly were too embarrassed to be associated
with the infamous paper, Highlights had to turn to
alternative sources of funding. Reliable sources tell us that a
member of the Highlights staff was approached by what appeared to be
a minimally dressed
female on Hollywood Blvd. After a short discourse, they agreed
to offer advertising services for "her" in Highlights.
(Above:
Proposed ad to soon be featured in Highlights)
The press conference got out of hand approximately half
way through, when someone in the audience accused the paper
of shying away from controversy. The person alleged Highlights
was a paper limited to writing about flowers planted around
campus, and promoting the principal, Dr. Stepenosky, in his personal
column. It was then that the staff of the so-called "flowery"
paper turned vicious. One former co-editor became so belligerent and defensive that to explain her actions
would verge on libel.
The former co-editor, now out of control beyond all reason, defended
the paper's less than modest claim of greatness, saying, "DO YOU
HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY [explicative deleted] AWARDS WE HAVE WON???
Look at the stories we have written! How can you [explicative
deleted] say we haven't written about [explicative deleted]
controversy! Look at all the stories we have written saying how healthy the
oil well is! By [explicative deleted] god, look at the story we did
about the former Beverly student taking up dentistry as a
profession! If that's not [explicative deleted] controversy, then
what the [explicative deleted] is???"
But
the questions kept pouring in.
In response to the sudden outburst by the former co-editor, one Associated
Press
reporter at the conference asked how Highlights won so many awards,
despite their frequent errors such as mislabeled pictures, spelling
and grammar errors, and perhaps most memorable of all, leaving the
editor's comments in
the middle of stories. One of the more calm Highlights writers bewilderedly
said, "What do you mean, 'how'? We are Highlights! We
are a tradition! We are one of the oldest running high school papers in the country! How can you question
us? Did people
question the Catholic Church in the middle ages? I think not - it
reigned supreme!"
"Yes,"
said the reporter, "but when the Catholic Church's burning
people at the stake for heresy got out of hand, the people
rebelled."
"Well,
I don't catch myself up in the particulars," responded the
Highlights writer.
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