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The Church Of The Flying Spaghetti
Monster
We live in dark times. Recently, the Kansas School Board had a noble suggestion of teaching intelligent design shot down by the liberal elite and “Darwinlutionists.” We can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints, and then choose for themselves what to believe. This brings us to the question of intelligent design. Evolution simply does not stand up. Life is too complicated to occur randomly. We all know that one power, the holy being, the alpha and the omega, created the universe. This being has millions of followers and many credible scientists advocating His involvement with the universe. This being is, of course, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
I am a Pastafarian, and I will convert you all to His Noodly wonder, and show you why we must teach His gospel in our schools.
We all know that the Noodly One created the world after drinking heavily from heaven’s Beer Volcano. Yes, heaven has a beer volcano, and a stripper factory. And there is overwhelming scientific evidence to support
this
FSM is a great deity who was able to reveal himself to the world through the great prophet Bobby Henderson, who alone teaches us the gospel of His wonders, lost since the days when pirates roamed the earth, handing out candy to children and battling the evil Hare Krishna’s in their steel-plated kayaks. FSM goes around the universe, influencing our lives by touching us with His Noodly Appendage (this is actually an explanation for the “theory” of gravity – FSM is simply pushing down on us with his appendages. Since midgets are being pushed down on more than others, they are seen as favored in his eyes). Despite the lack of credible witnesses for these events, there are numerous accounts of His interference with the corporeal world. These accounts are completely true, despite the “conflicting accounts” and “hypocrisy” and “impossibilities” and “inconsistencies with proven scientific evidence” that the naysayers attempt to point out. We know that it is true because it says that it is true, and if it says it must true, then it is truthful when it says that it is truthful, and therefore all it says is true. There are over 10 million of us, and growing. We can reconcile with evidence provided by the scientific community. For instance, that he created the world only thousands of years ago, and is duping us into believing that the world is older simply for his own amusement (FSM can be kind of a dick sometimes). For example, as was said by the great prophet:
“A scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.”
– Bobby Henderson
Some philosophers have even stated that we are anatomically similar to His Noodliness, adding credence to the notion that we are created in his image:
“We could easily argue that we are made in His Noodliness' likeness because of the mass of noodle-like veins and arteries that run throughout our body, the fact that our digestive system is but one large and extensive noodle, and that our brain looks like large noodles packed in very tightly.”
- Laurelbay
We are also offering a $1 million dollar prize to anyone who can prove that Jesus was not the son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, similar to the challenges offered by fundamentalist creationists. This will be payed in intelligently designed currency, of course.
There are Pastafarians in this school’s administration, and whether you know it or not, you have been celebrating our causes. How? One of our many religious celebrations is called “Holiday”, and takes place around mid-December, stretching through January. When you look on your calendar, you may notice the “holiday vacations” you have been taking. You have been celebrating our holiday. Our extensive lore is even responsible for other holidays. For instance, our celebration of Pastover (which has been poorly translated and adopted by other religions) remembers when Mosey the fry cook decided to become a pirate, and the FSM spoke to him through a burnt marshmallow, commanding him to open a chain of restaurants called the Olive Garden with the other fry cooks, though he had to send down plagues such as a rain of marinara to get their final paychecks released by Phil, the evil night manager. This is only further proof of our reach in society. We have noodled our way into your lives, whether you realize it or not.
Furthermore, our religion is supported by the arts. There are songs in existence about him, and as we all know, nonsensical chanting that suppresses rational thought is the highest form of divine communication. We also have art that was created with His Noodly likeness, further proving His inspiration by appendage, such as a now famous painting of him creating man, proof of His doings in the olden days if Michelangelo. In fact, our current understanding of his likeness is directly from an artistic account straight from the great prophet Bobby Henderson, depicting His creation on the first day of mountains, trees, and a midgit. Praise Bobby.
We even have political support.
President Bush has said, and I quote,
“I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought. You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes.”
Senator John McCain has stated publicly,
“All points of view should be available to students studying the origins of mankind.”
Senator Chris Buttars and Brian Bosma, as well as many, many credible scientists who have accepted His light and wonder have made similar statements.
For those who may think that we have nothing to contribute to this great melting pot of a country, fear not; we have a rich culture to support us. For instance, our preachers cannot teach His gospel unless they are dressed in full pirate regalia. Pirates, in fact, are the chosen people of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We have empirical evidence showing that global warming and other natural disasters are direct consequences of the decline of seagoing pirates. This can be seen because as the number of pirates has gone down, the number of natural disasters has gone up, so they must clearly be related, all the more evidence of His existence. In fact, some claim that Pastafarianism makes more sense than other religions, as we take into account the discrepancies between our religion and scientific fact. For instance, it is said that we share 95% of our DNA with chimpanzees, but we share 99.9% of it with pirates, proof that we evolved from pirates. Our vestigial organs are even proof of our heritage. The appendix was used for storing gold coins, wisdom teeth were used for holding knives in the back of our mouths, and the coccyx was actually once a horn used in the ancient ritual of ass-fighting. If you don’t believe me, run ass-first at anyone on the street, and watch them flee in terror by instinct.
You must all now understand why we MUST teach this to our youth. After all, we do not know what created the universe, or where the first atom might have come from, so it is logical to teach that there was a creator behind it. In fact, as more and more evidence is uncovered, scientists are beginning to take Pastafarianism as a true scientific explanation. If you will teach intelligent design based on the so-called "evidence" of a Judeo-Christian God, it must certainly follow that Pastafarianism MUST be taught as well.
Some may say that you cannot separate creationism and religion, We feel that our evidence is solid and credible, because we say it is. And if you don’t believe us, then you are going against our vengeful Spaghetti Monster, hallowed be His name. Some may say that teaching about a creator is the very definition of a god. After all, only a god could create matter without the expenditure of energy, which directly violates principal scientific law, namely the law of conservation of mass-energy. But we know that FSM is not bound by our physical laws.
We will not attempt to hide this, as any logical person can understand His existence if they simply accept to be touched by His Noodly Appendage. Some may say that our holy Noodly One’s involvement with our universe cannot be replicated, proven, or show any attributes that constitute something as a science. I have shown you, however, multiple instances of His existence, so I must be right, and if you think I am wrong, well, you are doomed to eternal torment in Pastafarianism hell, which we personally have no account of, but Bobby has said that it is most likely like heaven, only the beer is stale and the strippers have VD, much like in Las Vegas.
Bobby has prophesized that we will one day be respected as a science, with equal footing with regards to intelligent design: “I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.”
For more information on His Noodliness, you may visit
Venganza.org, or purchase
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
penned by the Great Prophet Bobby Henderson ,and available at bookstores everywhere.
Proceeds from the book will go towards a pirate ship, so Bobby Henderson can sail the world and spread His gospel!
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